Sunday, February 12, 2012

Hey, Sweetie 3.14!

The title of my post today is a little homage to my inner nerd that is sometimes not so inner.

In fact, I'm actually pretty proud of the fact that I have more trophies for spelling bees and quiz bowls than I ever got for cheer or dance. And whenever I wander through the juvenile fiction section of the library or a bookstore, there are very few of them that I didn't bring up into one of the Heaton's trees and read.

Growing up I always kind of hoped that I would marry someone who was nerdy all his life but then magically blossomed into a hot and socially adept adult once he got to college. Jason, however, didn't really go through the nerdy phase that I did and was just always really cool. Just ask him about his entirely baby blue ensemble complete with visor and gold cross necklace. Way out of my league.

But when I read him this pickup line:

"If I move my lips half the distance to yours… and then half again… and again… etc…. would they ever meet? no? Well in this specific case I am going to disprove your assumption."


and he knew that it was based on Zeno the geometer's posits on the theory of motion, I knew that I had truly married my nerd charming. Oh yeah, he's a math major. 


Even though math majors are famous for the pocket-protectors, coke bottle glasses and spelling out "boobs" on their calculators, I just realized that some of the things I've been doing the past couple of weeks have been bringing out the English major nerd in me. 


At work, I have to help urge people to write comments by making fake ones and posting them all over the place. At first when I started doing it I thought the hardest part would be lying about how much weight I've lost, (diet pill websites) or trying to come up with different euphemisms for poop, (colon cleanser websites) or even what someone would sound like who has finally found a successful male enhancement, (self-explanatory) but the hardest part is coming up with a name. That's why a lot of the ones I've written lately have been from names I already know. No, don't worry, none of your names are on any male enhancement sites; instead, I've been taking some of the ones from my book friends:

Been trying to lose weight for years and even though I'm really into taking long walks outside, I haven’t ever reached my goal weight. Then, I tried Fenphedra and I couldn’t believe what a difference it made! I still try to exercise and eat healthy but it’s so much easier when you actually see results!
Char Bronte Jan. 13, 2012 waitingforheathcliffe@aol.com




My mom's been telling me to lose weight for years and I've never really cared to. Then my cousin showed me Fenphedra and the weight has just been magically coming off me. Now I'm boxing and feeling great! Three cheers for Fenphedra!
D. Dursley Jan. 27, 2012 smeltingboy@gmail.com


I used to be really in shape when I was younger and more active, but as I got older the only thing that's in shape any more is my legs. At my wife’s request, I tried Fenphedra to see if it could help me get down to a healthier weight and sure enough, I’ve already lost 30 pounds! I feel so much better and Anne loves the way I look! Thanks!
Henry T. Jan. 30, 2012 morewivesmoreproblems@hotmail.com

I tried Fenphedra after reading about its more scientific formula, and sure enough, just like the research said, I started losing weight and feeling better. In fact, just weighed myself this morning and voila, I’ve lost 13 pounds!
Maria Curie Jan. 31, 2012 chem4lyfe@comcast.net




I've tried to tell myself that I'm just big boned for years, but when a special lady came into my life I decided to drop some pounds. With Fenphedra I've been losing weight so fast it's almost like magic!
R. Hagrid Feb. 1, 2012 pinkumbrella@yahoo.com


I know that sending out comments under literary monikers is not exactly on the same level as learning elvish or dressing up as Jack Sparrow, but at least I know that the years and years I've spent reading haven't been in vain.

8 comments:

Jordyn said...

Uhhhh the D. Dursley comment made me laugh out loud. So hard. All of those names/emails/comments are HILARIOUS. As is that baby blue ensemble that JJ Smokes loves so darn much!

Jolie said...

The fake email names are great, Alex! Love reading your blog. Jolie

Amy said...

weird, i read the title of your post at exactly 3:14 today. Strange coincidence.

Anna Jay said...

Before I met Fenphedra, the only relationships I had was with my dogs. After only one week, I feel like I can float on air, and my family members can't keep a hold on me from flying away. Thanks Fenphedra!

A. Marge Feb. 13, 2012 didmygobletjustexplode@gmail.com

Carolina said...

Does it make me a nerd too then if I think all of those testimonials are hilarious?

Hahaha you crack me up.

Alison Arntsen said...

hahahhaha! genius. i hope you comment on one of my posts someday. i won't spam it.

Anonymous said...

My sister Liz is so happy to hear about Fenphedra. She's got plans for it and hopes to slip a little into Wickham's kit before he heads off without mentioning just where he is going or with whom. Liz didn't have time to write her own comment because she is a little prejudice against online websites. But thanks for the recommendation. She's very grateful.

Lauren said...

hilarious. so so funny.