Tuesday, February 21, 2012

To All Those BYU Students Who Say Utah Isn't Beautiful...

I give you THIS!!!


And maybe this,

But most of all, THIS...

Isn't he just the sweetest thing you've ever seen? Forget for a moment that he's probably rubbing his fur in some sort of wild animal's feces and just bask in his cuteness.

While Jason has meetings on Sunday I get to take my Hanky-poo for walks. All alone. Consequently, these couple of hours have turned into somewhat of a lovefest for him and me. Unfortunately, Hank loves his walks more than he loves me, so I spend most of my time chasing him, but all I ask is that he lets me adore him.

Luckily, the Bonneville Shoreline trail usually doesn't have too many passersby on these occasions, because sometimes my love for him can get a bit fierce. Like when I was standing by the fence and I yelled something like "cootsie boy!!!" as he was doing something particularly adorable, and the sound of my voice actually caused snow to actually tumble off the chains. Actually.

It kind of reminds me of this scene in Love Potion Number 9 when the trampy girl coughs in the back of the chapel and all the guys freak out with their lust. Except I don't lust Hank. No. I don't lust my dog.

It doesn't get good until at least 2 minutes, but this whole movie is a gem.

Despite the fact that I was kind of embarrassed that my love for my dog can reach such powerful decibels, I've never been one to hide my obsession with animals under a bushel. In fact, quite the contrary. Ever since I've been able to talk I've been shouting and pointing at animals around me, especially those of the four-legged variety.

And when Hank sticks his face in the snow like this:

coming up looking like he's a wolf wearing a grandma costume, I'm not at all embarrassed to say something like "my what big poopies you have!"

But this love for animals wasn't at all influenced by anyone around me growing up. In fact, I wanted a dog so badly that I finally resorted to acting like a dog, on all fours, meals on the ground, collar, tail and all, until my parents finally gave in.

It wasn't until a couple of years ago when I read a little paper with some information on my birth parents that I saw that of all the interests my birth mother could have written about herself, she wrote that she loved animals.

So even if I'll probably never meet the woman who baked me in her oven, every time I freak out about a dog on the side of the road or google image search "happy puppies" when I'm at work, I can remember that there is some lady out there who passed on this unconditional love for things that defecate in inconvenient places.

And who also made me wall-toed:

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Hey, Sweetie 3.14!

The title of my post today is a little homage to my inner nerd that is sometimes not so inner.

In fact, I'm actually pretty proud of the fact that I have more trophies for spelling bees and quiz bowls than I ever got for cheer or dance. And whenever I wander through the juvenile fiction section of the library or a bookstore, there are very few of them that I didn't bring up into one of the Heaton's trees and read.

Growing up I always kind of hoped that I would marry someone who was nerdy all his life but then magically blossomed into a hot and socially adept adult once he got to college. Jason, however, didn't really go through the nerdy phase that I did and was just always really cool. Just ask him about his entirely baby blue ensemble complete with visor and gold cross necklace. Way out of my league.

But when I read him this pickup line:

"If I move my lips half the distance to yours… and then half again… and again… etc…. would they ever meet? no? Well in this specific case I am going to disprove your assumption."

and he knew that it was based on Zeno the geometer's posits on the theory of motion, I knew that I had truly married my nerd charming. Oh yeah, he's a math major. 

Even though math majors are famous for the pocket-protectors, coke bottle glasses and spelling out "boobs" on their calculators, I just realized that some of the things I've been doing the past couple of weeks have been bringing out the English major nerd in me. 

At work, I have to help urge people to write comments by making fake ones and posting them all over the place. At first when I started doing it I thought the hardest part would be lying about how much weight I've lost, (diet pill websites) or trying to come up with different euphemisms for poop, (colon cleanser websites) or even what someone would sound like who has finally found a successful male enhancement, (self-explanatory) but the hardest part is coming up with a name. That's why a lot of the ones I've written lately have been from names I already know. No, don't worry, none of your names are on any male enhancement sites; instead, I've been taking some of the ones from my book friends:

Been trying to lose weight for years and even though I'm really into taking long walks outside, I haven’t ever reached my goal weight. Then, I tried Fenphedra and I couldn’t believe what a difference it made! I still try to exercise and eat healthy but it’s so much easier when you actually see results!
Char Bronte Jan. 13, 2012 waitingforheathcliffe@aol.com

My mom's been telling me to lose weight for years and I've never really cared to. Then my cousin showed me Fenphedra and the weight has just been magically coming off me. Now I'm boxing and feeling great! Three cheers for Fenphedra!
D. Dursley Jan. 27, 2012 smeltingboy@gmail.com

I used to be really in shape when I was younger and more active, but as I got older the only thing that's in shape any more is my legs. At my wife’s request, I tried Fenphedra to see if it could help me get down to a healthier weight and sure enough, I’ve already lost 30 pounds! I feel so much better and Anne loves the way I look! Thanks!
Henry T. Jan. 30, 2012 morewivesmoreproblems@hotmail.com

I tried Fenphedra after reading about its more scientific formula, and sure enough, just like the research said, I started losing weight and feeling better. In fact, just weighed myself this morning and voila, I’ve lost 13 pounds!
Maria Curie Jan. 31, 2012 chem4lyfe@comcast.net

I've tried to tell myself that I'm just big boned for years, but when a special lady came into my life I decided to drop some pounds. With Fenphedra I've been losing weight so fast it's almost like magic!
R. Hagrid Feb. 1, 2012 pinkumbrella@yahoo.com

I know that sending out comments under literary monikers is not exactly on the same level as learning elvish or dressing up as Jack Sparrow, but at least I know that the years and years I've spent reading haven't been in vain.