Wednesday, January 25, 2012

TMI 2 Soon?

Ever since I got married I have found myself sharing little snippets of privy information to anybody that will listen, even though they should probably should be kept private.

Like, for instance, the guy bagging our groceries probably doesn't want to know that the Fiber One cereal we bought is now indispensable because it keeps me doing the deed regularly, though still not when I'm on vacation. Or in a public place. I've even turned into that girl who doesn't mind changing into or out of her swimsuit when she's in the RB locker room. Just as long as no one makes eye contact. I think it's due to the fact that the majority of my conversations are with Jason so I just assume that if Jason wants to hear it, everyone does.

All that being said, I'm about to share something with you that I never thought I would an hour ago. I give full disclosure that you might never look at me the same again.


Early this morning I had that kind of awakening start where your eyes pop open and nothing else on you moves, your head is completely awake but your body is still kind of asleep. Usually this happens when I remember things I have to do in the day. Not good kind of things like "Oh it's Christmas morning!" but the kind of things like "That project I have known about for months but I have done zero work on is due today!" Waking up like this is usually the start to a frantic morning running on adrenaline and morning breath, but was probably the only reason I passed fourth grade. There's a really good story there, but I'll save it for a later date.

Anyway, this morning's early wake up call wasn't due to a forgotten assignment, and it definitely wasn't due to presents waiting under a tree, I thought I was peeing.

My eyes popped open and I thought to myself, "am I peeing?" and then I told myself, "no, you can't be peeing, you're not on the toilet." Instead of having a shoulder angel and a shoulder devil, my subconscious is made up of a worrier who likes everything perfect and thinks it's the end of the world if it's not, and the other half has the general disposition of someone who has smoked the ganja root (that's a real thing, right?) all their life and doesn't get worked up about anything. It's kind of like the mayor from the Nightmare Before Christmas.
Fortunately, my scary frown face was the own who won the rest of my body over and I quickly sprung out of bed to find out that, sure enough, I was peeing. Real pee. In my bed. At 22.8 years old. With the man I'm most sexually attracted to lying next to me. 

So I run to the bathroom to try to get some of that real pee actually in the toilet, you know, where it's supposed to go. But then I'm sitting on the toilet and I start to actually process what happened. It went a little something like this: "I have pee underwear around my ankles, I have pee on my legs, I have pee on the bed, there's pee everywhere, the pee will never stop, I'm a pee girl, all I do is pee..." That's about when I let out a sound somewhere in between a moan and a dry sob which caused Jason to say, "Alex...?" 

Up until Jason spoke words, I kind of thought that I would be able to clean up this whole mess and wake up beside him like the full grown adult that I was last night. But as soon as I realized that he was awake I knew that I would have to face this catastrophe head on. That's when I started to fall apart. 

I don't think it was so much that I was embarrassed of wetting the bed, obviously I'm putting all this information on the old world wide interweb, (bet you wished I was protesting SOPA now) I think it was more the fact that I have always prided myself on having an ironclad bladder. When I was little, I was potty-trained so fast my parents actually thought I was autistic (there were other reasons too...). And, besides one incident at a haunted house in middle school, I really have no memory of having accidents down there. 

Until now. So I started to freak out. Telling Jason he couldn't come in the bathroom, jumping in the shower, yelling about how disgusting I am, frantically scrubbing any surface, telling Jason he'll never love me again, practically sobbing that I would be afraid to ever go to sleep ever again, you get the picture. 

Throughout it all, Jason was a champ and was trying to console me with his saged wisdom from his bedwetting past. You see, Jason was on the other spectrum of bladder control that I was, and he was unfortunate enough to wet the bed well past when it was adorable. So he had years of experience to know how to handle the situation. I, on the other hand, was still an emotional wreck who thought her body was falling apart. 

Even though there were some tears and Jason had to tell me almost every good thought he's ever had about me, I did end up getting back in bed and letting him spoon me, despite my many warnings that I may lose all control and pee on him. I have no idea why I wet the bed. Maybe because I was really cold when I was falling asleep, or because I was super tired, but the lesson I've learned is that sometimes you have to do really gross things in order to find out how much the people around you truly care about you. 


holli h. said...

HAHAHA! i love the moral at the end. too true.

Jordyn said...

Hahaha welcome to the prestigious realm of bedwetters! There are dozens of us, dozens!!

Amy said...

I actually cried laughing. Oh man. I was one of those bedwetters so I know how you feel sistah. :)

Carolina said...

Oh my gosh I was crying laughing!! I'm sorry about the experience but don't worry about it. It could happen to any one.

Jon said...

that was really really funny

Deidre said...

You blog just showed up in my FB feed and I have spent the morning reading it... hilarious. So glad I found this little nugget!